We’ve all had that experience, right? When you first see him/her, the butterflies in your stomach, the heat rising in your cheeks, the funny way your voice sounds, your heartbeat accelerating so quickly that you thought you were going to faint, the world melting away around you until nothing but them is left…
It’s normal to have a crush on someone. It really is. It’s part of the human experience, and you’re not alone. When you have absolutely no idea what to do with your crush, when you feel like there’s no way it will work out, and when you are just so afraid to mess everything up between you guys… Don’t worry, LANTHE and every other person on earth are here for you.
DTR (Define The Relationship)
If you are a Shadowhunter nerd like me, you wouldn’t be unfamiliar with the term DTR (short for Define The Relationship). Clary Fray used it when she was suggesting Simon to (hold up, SPOILER ALERT!) sort out his relationship with Isabelle. Are they just collaborators? Friends? Are they a couple yet?
Now, I don’t mean that you should talk to your crush directly about this because your situation is not quite the same as Simon and Isabelle. Your crush (usually) doesn’t even know that you have special feelings for them! To DTR with your crush, you should think about how you really feel about them first. I admit that sometimes I couldn’t even decide whether I liked them or just wanted to make friends with them! Next, through observations or casual talk, you can start to sort out what they think about you. People can actually be quite readable with a few psychology tips. What you need to note is that people are always different and that some of them may have different reactions than the general others. Don’t make blunt decisions on observations! However, if you do wish for further info on psychological tips to read people like an open book, watch this video:
Or check out this website:
Or try out this quiz for fun:
Why DTR? By DTRing, you know more about how he/she thinks of you. If they feel the same about you, congratulations! If they don’t, do not despair. Some people just don’t realize their affection until their subject of admiration also shows signs of fondness for them.
Identify: Like or Love?
Ouch, Cambridge Dictionary. That hurts.
However, the sad fact that crushes are mostly temporary is true. Yes, some crushes can be developed into true love over time, but “Most people develop their first serious crush around junior high or high school age (11–18)... Studies have shown that even though people are physically mature when they are in their teens, their brain does not finish developing until their 20s (21 for females, 25 for males). This means that the things or people you like when you are 15 will be different when you are 25. Even if people end up dating their first crush, there is a large chance they will fall apart before marriage (Larkin, 2019).”
It is not entirely impossible, though, for your crush and you to actually work out. But before that happens, you have to sort out your own feelings first. If you don’t even understand what you are experiencing, how will you be prepared to start a relationship?
What if you really have no idea what you are thinking? Well, that’s life. We cannot always understand everything, especially when life has so many surprises for us. What you can do now is to research the internet or ask people around you about their experience. Here is a little evaluation to help you determine if you just like that person or if you truly love them, but note that you are a unique human being and that no test created by other people is really accurate for you. Do this for a general direction or just for fun:
The best way to be prepared for anything is to seek help from experience. It’s okay if it’s your first time and you have never dealt with things like this before (though I strongly doubt that), all you need is someone else’s experience! Again, I have to emphasize that other people have been under completely different circumstances than you, so their advice should be just a suggestion for you, not the absolute correct answer. There are no right or wrong decisions in life. For me, I tend to notice a pattern of my behavior and mindset when I experienced a strong crush on a cute boy in my class (who unfortunately never liked me back!). This is my pattern:
First notice of him (first 1-2 weeks): His face left me a strong first impression. I started to get curious and observed him, but didn’t dare to mention to my friends because I got nervous whenever someone said his name.
An intense passion (lasts for 3 or 4 months, with the summit during the 3rd or 4th month): I started to think of him all the time, and couldn't get rid of his face and name in my head. I crazily started to do psychology tests on Pinterest about whether my crush likes me back (now that I think of it… lolll) and liked to secretly stick close to them so that they might notice my presence, for example: ride in the same elevator, leave the cafeteria at the same time, touch the things that he had touched when I sat in his seat for another class, walk by his class whenever I can (creepy, eh?). Searched for signs that show that he might like me.
Frustration & Hurt (5th month) started to think that he will never like me back (which has so far been the truth). Not one of my crushes ever will. I began to despair and wonder if I would ever be enough to deserve him. I thought that when so many girls have a crush on him, why in the world would he choose me?
Ambivalence (6th month): I tried to think about their unpleasant traits to persuade myself that I can find a better person for myself, though without hate. I started to convince myself that he was just an immature little boy and that there were other fish in the sea and that I was still too young… but then I felt guilty. He was so special and amazing, how dare I treat him as if he didn’t leave a trace of a mark in my life? As temporary as crushes are, they still deserved to be valued in one’s young life!
Let go (7 months after first notice or longer): I never had the gut to confess about my feelings, probably because of my cultural background. I would slowly put away my feelings, but I still liked my crush in a mild, sweet, slow way until the days became long and it gradually faded.
Here, I strongly recommend you to keep track of your physical, emotional, and mental status by keeping a diary or journal of your own. As insignificant as anything may seem—he talked to you today, he touched your shoulder during lunch, etc.—record it! Although it may appear to be unnecessary or childish, recording every single sweet little thing in your teenage life will serve as an experiential guide for the future. A diary also helps you to sort out your thoughts and mood so that you can figure out the setbacks you are facing at the moment. If you, like me, can find a pattern in your own condition, good for you! Now you know what to do to improve or prevent your negative habits and thoughts.
So… What should I do?
What should we do indeed! When it comes to relationships, many people are not very good at expressing their feelings to one another, including me, to be honest.
A lot of my friends often ask for my advice on confessing to crushes. I always answer them: “Unless you are 99.99% sure that they like you back, I strongly recommend NOT to confess.”
If, luckily, you are 99.99% sure that he/she likes you back, congrats! However, I suggest you keep back for a period of time and let time test the strength of the bond you feel for him/her. True love will withstand time, but crushes will fade over it. There is one special case: if there’s someone else after him/her and you feel like you’re ready to start a relationship, go for it! Tell him/her what you feel about them before someone else does. In this case, although it can be intimidating, you should talk to him/her face to face. Chill out, be casual, maybe buy them a warm drink to show signs of adoration and kindness. This way, they won’t feel as much pressure, and even if they decline, you can just shrug, claim that you are just joking around, and easily get off the hook.
Back to the point, why 99.99% sure until confessing? First, if you are friends, good for you because then you don’t have to spend extra time to know the person thoroughly to DTR. However, if he/she has no feelings for you, it might really destroy your friendship. Yeah sure, it’s best if you can remain a healthy friendship, however awkward, but you’ll notice that something is just not quite the same between you guys.
Next, if you are just distant acquaintances, admit it, he/she might not even know you very well. In this situation, you should become friends with him/her first to get to know them better. Who knows? Once, I had a crush on a boy whom I didn’t really know, but after we became friends, he’s more of my bro to me now. If I had confessed, I would’ve lost a cute little brother.
Finally, confessing=>gossip, and gossip=>misunderstanding=>trouble. If you like to be the subject of enthusiastic news in school or the center of all attention, you might not mind this too much at first. But think about this: what if you end up regretting not knowing your crush better before you started the relationship? What if someone who truly loves you whom you liked later decided to give up on you because they misunderstood that you only have feelings for a temporary crush? Also—this is harsh but true—it’s often more complicated to be in a serious relationship with someone who has had an ex. People want to be comfortable and feel like the only one; the most special to you, so I suggest you pause, be patient and really consider your situation. Good wine takes time to fermentate; magnificent nature wonders take time to form; and deep, true, strong love takes time to build.
In the meantime, spend some time with your family, friends, and yourself alone. As aforementioned, you can keep a diary to make a record of your own pattern of behavior and mindset. You can also talk to a trustworthy grownup or friend because it’s so painful to keep it all in and face everything by yourself!
If you feel insecure with your secrets, don’t worry, LANTHE will keep it for you. Leave a public comment below or contact us privately by pressing the chat button on the left-bottom corner to share your own experience or ask for help and advice. We will reply as soon as we can. Remember, you are not alone :)
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